I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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