dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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