I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
