She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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