Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
did you just send me my own nude
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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