is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
