I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
