Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wear drunk well.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
