if i can run in heels then i can drive
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
