dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
