my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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