its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
