My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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