Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
