im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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