I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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