God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
