he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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