dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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