Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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