I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
