I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
