i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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