You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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