His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
