he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
