I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
