i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
