A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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