I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
from now on my penis is your penis
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
