Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize