I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
