Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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