it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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