Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
