I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
