I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
