This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
