I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
