If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
