i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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