I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
