your parents love me but you hate me
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
