I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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