Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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