The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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