I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pants are for mortals
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
