I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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