I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
