He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
this will be a night to untag.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
