I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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